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I Love You More

by - June 07, 2018

Monday, May 7, 2018, my whole entire world was spun upside down, and my heart was broke wide open. God took into heaven one of his most prized servants; my grandma. I will warn you before you start to read this I didn’t write this blog perfectly and I’m not like my other family members who always seem to effortlessly come up with the right things to say. I definitely struggle, and I struggled with this post more than any other I’ve ever written because what could I possible say that would do her justice. At first I decided to not publish anything, but then I decided what a grave misfortune it would be to not at least try and relay to you all who exactly my grandma was to me. So with all that in mind I hope after reading this you get a little better understanding of the woman who was the glue that held my family together. 

The memory of her departure will forever be etched in my mind, because little did I know that the evening of May 6th, God was about to use me in a big way. God was choosing me to be the one who walked my grandma from this worldly life-one where her last few months had been nothing but pain-into her eternal home with her Savior and new body. It was 3:40 a.m. and I had just checked on her, and I laid back in the chair and grabbed her hand. By 3:50 a.m. I looked over and watched for what seemed like an eternity. I figured my eyes had to be playing tricks on me. I got up, walked over to her put my ear to her lips, and then grabbed her wrist to see if she had a pulse. I stood there in silence thanking God she was no longer suffering, but trying to wrap my mind around what life without her looked like. Somewhere between 3:40 a.m. and 3:50 a.m. my grandma's tired body finally gave up the fight, and God welcomed her home and wrapped her in His peace.

What I wouldn't give to go back and hold your hand once more, Grandma. But, while I may wish for you back I would never wish for you back in the form you were in the last two months of your life. So, for that I am happy. I am happy the paralyzing pain you once felt is no longer, and the earthly legs which had become so weak are now stronger than ever and dancing with Jesus. I am so happy God blessed me with all  those sleepless nights where I laid there beside you and watched you sleep so that as soon as you stirred I could be there and be at your assistance. I feel so privileged I got to gently and patiently change the dressing of your wounds. I am so honored I got to serve you-the woman who served only others her whole entire life-even if I only got to for a short while. I am so blessed that I got to bless you even in a small way as some form of payback for all blessings you gave me my entire life-even if I didn’t come close. 

So now that you know how it ended there is one very important thing I want to tell you, those last two months of my grandmother's life were not who she was. She was strong. Stronger than almost anyone I know. Nothing in her life was easy and she definitely had struggles, but instead of letting them define her-she let them fuel her. Persisting on and only getting stronger with time. My grandma was a prime example of the strength you can have when your full trust is in the Lord. She was caring. She cared for you even if you had only just met her. Not only did she care for others as a nurse for 50 plus years, she cared for the people outside of that little clinic. Her home was always open and there wasn’t a sin you could have done that would have made her turn you away. My grandma was a prime example of how you should never pass judgement on someone for their mistakes, because we are all sinners. She was loving. She loved you despite the things you had done. Loving one another was the only way in my grandma's book, and she never fell short of that. My grandma was a prime example of loving others the way God loves you. She was leader in faith. Her walk with the Lord was one only some of us can dream to have. She dedicated her life to Lord and never looked back. She served him faithfully all throughout her life, and because of that she showed me, my whole family, and a whole community how to serve The Lord completely. She is one of the main reason I have a strong relationship with God, and that is one of the biggest things for which I am most thankful. My grandma was a prime example that a life spent serving The Lord is the best way spend a life. She was all these thing and so, so much more. So, please don’t think for one moment that she had been this brittle old lady for the last 20 years, because she wasn’t. She was strong, loving, caring, faithful, and she was courageous even up until her breath. 

My grandma is one reason my childhood was so great, and I am sure you could ask any of my other family members and they would all say the same thing. From summer days/nights spent by her pool, to her always being early to come pick me up after school. Her house to me was a safe haven, and truly a place I could just be a kid. She brought comfort to just being child and made sure we had nothing short of a million childhood stories from her home to tell. She made sacrifices for my family and I that I couldn’t truly appreciate until now, and for those sacrifices I will always be thankful. She blessed my cousins and I with a home away from home, and to think she was an only child that gave birth to 3 children, and now we’re somehow 32 strong and counting. One life that made this big, crazy family. Showing each of us what it meant to be truly selfless. Now each of us want our children to experience the same childhoods she gave to us. Nothing short of vibrant, fun, and safety in just being a kid.

Another thing I want to tell you about this lady I was lucky enough to call my grandma is that she was the glue that held my family together. There are not very many people out there who get the privilege of saying “I get to see my whole family every Sunday”, and because my grandma never lacked intention-she made that possible. She cultivated a family that has a bond so strong It could hold together even though she (our glue) is no longer here in bodily form. And it’s because of that same intention that my closet and most prized friendships are with the very people with whom I share a bloodline. She is the reason we stand strong-or in her words “suck it up” in these difficult times. Because, we know that although everything is about to change this fact remains: who she was has helped us become who we are, and she has made us into a strong, close family who will always stay the same. So, if you need me-or any of the rest of a family members on a Sunday afternoon-we might not be in the same house as we once were, but we will still be together eating family lunch. The destination may have changed, but the intention is still the same. We’ll be solving one world problem at a time over a homemade meal and good company just like she raised us. 

I could sit here and go one forever telling you all about this amazing lady, but I fear they aren’t enough pages. So, I will leave you with this: my grandma's life will never be forgotten. She touched so many souls, and impacted even more lives. I will miss her everyday, but I will rejoice in the fact I got to spend the time with her that I did. She raised a strong family and made the best sweet tea anyone had ever tasted. I know you maybe wondering what can I get from reading all of this? And to that I say this: spend more time with you family; do things with intention; choose to love instead of judge; and most importantly form a relationship with The Lord, because that is the best legacy you could ever leave behind. So I love you more grandma, and I’ll see you someday soon. Save a seat next to Jesus for me, and be sure to tell grandpa I said hi. When I get to heaven, we’re gonna have a dance party. 



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